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I Cry Silently

I Cry Silently

I cry at night
alone
silently.

I let the tears slip down my face.
I can't let anyone hear
This pain.

These tears burn my cheeks
My sobs catch in my throat
It can't be changed.

I give my silent tears to the night
In the morning I go on
There is no other way.

The Oak and the Reeds

There is an old Aesop's Fable of The Oak and the Reeds.  An oak and a reed were arguing about their strength.  A strong wind came up, the reed avoided being uprooted by bending and moving with the gusts.  The oak stood firm and was torn up by the roots. 

But really there is only so much bending a person can take.  I've had enough wind gust for a life time and I'm tired of bending and moving to those gusts.  I need a break from the wind please.  Or I need to build a wind break.

Heart Hurt

Being a mom is hard work.  It's hard work physically when they are small and hard work emotionally when they are adults.  It's hard to see your child even if he or she is an adult have their heart hurt.  You can't really help and it reminds you of all the times you've suffered the same.  It just all round hurts.

I know that learning is sometimes about painful experiences and you can't and shouldn't take that away from anyone.  The hard times are sometimes what and when you learn the most from.  You learn resilience, patience and strength from difficult times.  Would you want your child never to learn those important lessons?  Every good parent wants their children to learn and grow and be happy in life.  You can't insulate them from every bump or pain or you take away their chance to grow.

So my heart hurts tonight for my adult child and it sucks.  I know what they will learn from this experience but I wonder what the heck I am learning from this?  I've…

Good Bye 2018

The last two years have been a real struggle.  I'll be glad when this one is over.  My hope is 2019 will be better than this year has been.  I've been feeling more and more like there is no hope for anything anymore.  I keep having pep talks with myself but then fall back down the black hole again. UG!

I want to hear happy good hopeful stories.  I want to hear funny things that make me laugh.  I want everyone else to be happy for a bit and not angry and bitter.  I don't expect to be happy all the time but it sure would be nice to feel some hope.

I used to eat my feelings but now I have chosen not to do that anymore because I want to improve my health and that become a problem.  I find I don't have anything to look forward to now.  This is a struggle if you can't reward yourself for getting through the day.  What does everyone else do?

I wish that things would get better but I have no hope for that right now.  The days feel endless and empty and dark.  So my hope is…

Honor Your Tears

My sister and I went to a Jann Arden concert the other night and were blown away.  I'm not a huge fan of her music but don't hate it and I knew my sister had seen her once before and said she was fantastic.  So I got us both tickets a long time ago and we finally got to see her.  She was amazing!  I would say she was at least 50% better live than listening to her recorded music.  Some people are just better in concert. 

She also told her life stories and boy has she had a difficult time of things.  But her main message was that good things can come out of bad things.  In her case she grew up with an alcoholic dad and turned to music while her brother turned to drugs and alcohol.  She is such a wonderful story teller and had us both in tears.  Her brother went to jail for murder on the day she got her first record contract.  She had so many other heart wrenching stories and has even written a book about taking care of her mother who is suffering from Alzheimer's disease.

To…

November is Going Fast!

It's already November and the first week of it is almost gone.  I keep trudging along and trying to get things done but never really getting everything I want to get done accomplished.  Maybe I just need to be happy if I get anything done.  I can hear me tomorrow saying to myself  "Good job you got up got showered and dressed.  Way to go!"  Or the next day saying "Brushed your teeth, good for you."  That's how I'm going to do it from now on.  I'll be amazed with myself if I get laundry done or any other chores.  And yes, I feel that lame some days.

The rain has arrived and it looks like it will be with us for awhile now.  It's not pouring all day just kind of cloudy and rains on and off all day and night.  No snow yet at our elevation but there is some in the mountain passes around us.  The temps are 5-15C depending on if the sun shows her face.

Our house feels cold and damp and no amount of turning up the furnace seems to take the chill out.  W…

Sunny Fall

After an appalling smoke filled summer where you couldn't even enjoy being outside due to the smoke from all the forest fires the Fall weather has been wonderfully sunny and not too cold.  We've had some frost but not many nights are below freezing yet.  The days are sunny and anywhere from 12-20C.  If we didn't need rain so badly it would be a perfect summer but if this keeps up with little to no precipitation it's going to be another long horrible summer.

On the good side it's been a grand Fall.  We haven't had any major family disasters that I know about.  I've lost 20lbs and am feeling pretty good.  I have a ton more to lose but I'm going slowly and working on just cutting down how much and when I eat.  I make my meals smaller and don't eat in the evenings at all unless I'm starving then I'll eat an apple or a small slice of cheese.  The cheese seems to cut the hunger really well and I make sure it's a very small piece so it's no…