From 30 to 13 in a Day

The weather here has been hot.  In the 30'sC hot.  The daughter is begging for us to put the a/c in the window upstairs but we knew it wouldn't last long.  We had the hot temps for 3-4 days and then boom it's down to 13C.  Today it was 17C and raining.  I'm dreading the summer.  The long hot days and nights are oppressive and make me feel ill.  I end up not sleeping because it's so hot at night and by the time my body adjusts to the hot temps it's Fall and cooling down.  UG!

The daughter had a test hair style done for her Graduation/Prom.  We don't call grade 12 graduation Prom here but in the last few years everyone seems to be adopting the term from the US so not lots of people call the Graduation dinner/dance Prom.  Anyway the hairdresser my mom booked doesn't do "up hair styles"  So that was fine with the daughter because her hair is long and very thick.  Every hairdresser she has gone to has commented on how thick her hair is.  You can't put that much heavy hair up in a bun and expect it to stay there all night not to mention the constant weight on your head and neck all night.  So she is going to have the front bit back and the rest of her hair in long curls.  So it's part up but most of it down if that makes any sense.  It will be way more comfortable for her and it looks beautiful.  We just have to find some little white flowers or shiny things to add a bid of pop to her hair and some shiny bracelets.  She isn't sure if she is going to wear earrings or not since the top of her dress is a halter and it has lots of bling already on it there. 

We are still waiting for shoes.  We had to order some from Sears because we have Walmart or a small shoe store here and they had nothing.  She just wants some silver or white sandals with a low wedge which of course no one has.  Hopefully one of the pairs we ordered will fit and work.  Then we can move on to having her dress hemmed.  I'd do it myself but the material is so slippery that I think I'll just get a professional to do it.  I don't want to mess up her dress, it was hard enough to find.

Right now I am struggling not to cry.  Do you ever have those days when just about everything makes you sad.  You know it doesn't make sense and usually you are fine with stuff but just today it makes you sad.  Today is that day.  I can't even blame it on hormones anymore or maybe I still have a few floating around but not on a regular basis.

Honestly the thing that tipped me over was going out for coffee with my mom while we waited for the daughter to have her hair done.  Two women walked into the coffee shop and I glanced their way but I didn't really look at them other than to register that two women walked in.  My back was to them but it ended up being two women I graduated with and one who I was good friends with in high school.  I haven't heard from her in years although I know she lives around here.  It made me feel ashamed of myself sitting there all frumpy with no makeup on.  I really have aged terribly and look horrible.  I've gained tons of weight since high school, my hair is grey and I have a red blotch all over one cheek.  I don't resemble the person who I was at all.  When I see other people I graduated with they look like them just older.  I don't even look like the same person.  That depresses me and makes me want to stay home and hide because I'm ashamed.

There are other things that set me off today too but they are too personal to put in a blog even for me.  Lets just say life is not grand and no matter how I try to whitewash it it's not going to smell like flowers if it's shit.   I need to make some changes, some big changes and some little changes.

I don't want to get into what changes just yet because I'm still working things over in my brain.  Hopefully at some point I'll be able to post about things or at least make more positive happy posts.  For today I'm just going to put my head down and cry.


Mama Pea said…
Sounds as though you're on track to being ready to make some changes that will make you feel better. And that's a good thing. Change is hard (reeeeally hard most of the time, even if it's a good change) but I believe we all have to be in the right place (mentally/emotionally) before change can begin. Keep moving toward making those changes and once you start, it will feel sooo good, you'll have the gumption to keep going as far as you want!
Sending you hugs today. I hope you find the strength and resolve to make the changes you want to make.
Birdie said…
I still think you and I live parallel lives. My daughter ended up getting the exact type of show for her prom/graduation dress that you described. And she has long thick hair that can't be worn up!
I get you on the change since high school. I weigh about 60 pounds more than when I graduated. I currently have eczema around my eyes and my face is so wrinkled. I have gray hair (I colour it now) and just look... matronly and frumpy.

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