Stalled

I'm in a stall.  No, not a horses stall but an engine stall.  I can't get going.  I'm not sleeping well.  Stress will do that.  The husband and I have been fighting.  He's so stubborn it's like talking to a rock.

After 20 years of marriage I wonder what I was thinking when I married him.  He's not loving, kind or generous.  He's pretty much a loner.  He hasn't changed a thing about himself in the entire time I've known him but I have changed.  I've given in to every one of his wants.  If he can't sleep with the sheets tucked in guess who has to struggle all night with a sheet wrapped around her neck or legs?  He wants the lights off to watch tv so I have to sit in the dark.  He never does laundry and won't make the bed.  I could go on but I'm too tired.

So I sit here wondering where to go and what to do.   I wish I had a punching bag because today I feel like I need to punch someone or something.  Sometimes your life just doesn't work out the way you planned it no matter how hard you try.  The older I get the more this is true. 

Today I just want to crawl back into bed and stay there.  This isn't the life I wanted.  This isn't the way it's supposed to be.  I don't deserve this, I haven't done anything wrong.  Life just doesn't go according to plan.

So make lemonade out of those lemons you say.  What do you think I've been doing for over 20 years?!  I've been living on lemonade!  I'd just like a nice glass of orange juice once in a while.

Comments

Aine O'Brien said…
Wow. This could have been my post ten years ago. I had the very same situation - was married 20 years (divorced shortly after) when you talked about you changing while he stays the same - that is exactly what my relationship was like. To this day he still has the same job, lives in the same place, even drives the same car. I had to sleep with the television on all night. Sometimes I wonder if I just didn't assert myself enough but then I remember all the fighting and struggling for control - it gets too tiring after a while. Oh, I could go on - but I just want you to know that I totally understand and feel so bad for you - it's such a difficult time. Hang in there - feel free to email.
Erin said…
this sucks! I feel for you, I've been in a marriage that didn't work, but not for so long - my first marriage lasted 7 years, although we had lived together for 4 years before that. We both changed and wanted different things, went to counseling but nothing was resolved. It shouldn't be easy, but it shouldn't be so hard, either. Sorry you are going through this, I don't have any good advice but I just know feeling like this especially going in to the holiday season can't be good for the soul. I'm thinking of you, and feel free to vent!
Sparkless said…
Thanks for your kind words Aine and Erin. It's good to know others have gone through the same thing, makes me feel more normal.
I'm not sure where it will go but it's how I feel. I'm still not sure how much I can live with and how much I can live without yet. Only time will tell.

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