I'm at this point in life where a big change is coming. I can feel it and I'm not sure if it's going to be good or bad or if I'll like it but it's coming whether I like it or not. I've had these moments in life before and they are always uncomfortable but also necessary.
Right now I'm just hanging on the edge waiting for the push and looking down is scary. I'm not entirely sure if I want to jump or climb back down but staying where I am doesn't feel good either so I'm stuck on the "cusp of change."
Being the aged adult that I am I know that change is a necessary part of life. I also know how to decide if a change is a good choice or not and how to determine which change to make. But it doesn't make it easier it just means I've been here before and I recognize this feeling. Right now I feel like it's going to be a big change a life changing change. It's like when you graduate from high school and are let free in the world or when you get married or when you become a parent, that kind of big change.
My husband and I are at the just before retirement stage of life. We have all those fun things to think about like when to retire, how much money do we have to live on and can we manage. I'm not sure if I'm going to like this stage of life very much because we are going to be brutally poor. So poor that food will be an issue and paying bills. So we can choose to keep working but our bodies are starting to struggle as most people's do before they retire unless they are one of the lucky ones who can retire at 55 and not 65. I can only imagine how it would be to be able to retire at 55 and travel and have enough money to do fun things still and have the good health to do it.
So since we have little choice in the matter how are we going to manage? It's a scary proposition and one with some options but most of them I'm not liking much. Most of the options involve money we don't have or us doing things we can't afford or do on our own. So to give myself a small glimmer of hope even if it's very tiny I bought a lottery ticket. I don't expect to win but it does give me some pleasure imagining what I'd do with the winnings should I win.
On nights when the worry keeps me awake I imagine winning the lottery and make a plan for what we would do with the money and who we would bless with something. I imagine scenarios of ways to bless our family members with some of our won wealth. I imagine paying off their mortgages or debt secretly and sending them on a scavenger hunt to find who gave them this gift. I imagine how it would feel to get this kind of a gift and what kind of burden it would lift from their hearts and lives and it makes me happy to think about. I also imagine how it would feel in my own life to have those burdens lifted from my life and I cry when I think about it.
So even though I know I'm not going to win the lottery I buy a ticket and enjoy my fantasy because right now clinging to this cliff edge it's all I've got for pleasure and I'm going to squeeze as much enjoyment as I can from it!
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