Today I feel despondent for the first time since covid. At first I was making the best of things and it was kind of fun in a horrible way. We couldn't go anywhere and it was fine because we don't go anywhere anyway. We couldn't visit our loved ones which was not so good but we could still see them socially distanced with masks on outside or over video chats. It wasn't all bad. But there was always this undercurrent of fear, fear of getting sick or worse a loved one getting sick and maybe even dying.
That fear has gnawed at my stomach for almost a year now. Add to that a child with a mental illness and a son who still lives with us at 24 with no motivation to move out, a house that needs everything repaired you can imagine, no money for anything other than bare necessities. Then the US political climate being so volatile it's scary.
I know many people are struggling worse and have actually lost jobs, gotten very sick, or lost a loved one and that would be worse but I can't shake this gnawing feeling in my stomach. It just won't go away and I don't know how to make it stop. I want to feel okay that we have jobs and a home but my husband works with the elderly and I'm afraid for him. Our house is too small and only one bathroom so if one of us gets sick there is no way to separate from the sick person. My health has deteriorated and my blood pressure has gone up to the point I need medication. I am afraid that if I get sick I will actually die.
I feel like my feelings are stupid and I should just suck it up because so many people have it worse than me but even when I tell myself that and remind myself of all the things I have to be grateful for it doesn't touch the gnawing in my stomach. The only time it goes is when I'm asleep so I sleep way too long now trying to get some respite from the gnawing.
How do you find a way back from despondency? How do you climb out of the black hole that sucks you under no matter how fast and hard you attempt to crawl out of it? What is the best way to climb from the pit and kill the rat gnawing inside my stomach? I don't want to feed this rat anymore, I want to starve him out because he feasts on fear and despondency and grows by the minute.
Tell me something good, a story with a happy ending, of funny things that happened. I want to hear about good things and people. But for today all I can do is hang on and hope things improve.
Comments
How do I fight back from despondency? I take a look at the reasons for that despondency. There is a lot of things out of our control right now. We can only take a look at what we can control.
Choosing a new way is always very scary.