Sunny Fall

After an appalling smoke filled summer where you couldn't even enjoy being outside due to the smoke from all the forest fires the Fall weather has been wonderfully sunny and not too cold.  We've had some frost but not many nights are below freezing yet.  The days are sunny and anywhere from 12-20C.  If we didn't need rain so badly it would be a perfect summer but if this keeps up with little to no precipitation it's going to be another long horrible summer.

On the good side it's been a grand Fall.  We haven't had any major family disasters that I know about.  I've lost 20lbs and am feeling pretty good.  I have a ton more to lose but I'm going slowly and working on just cutting down how much and when I eat.  I make my meals smaller and don't eat in the evenings at all unless I'm starving then I'll eat an apple or a small slice of cheese.  The cheese seems to cut the hunger really well and I make sure it's a very small piece so it's not adding too much in calories. 

I'm adding in exercise soon because I need to tighten up all my flab.  Muscle will burn more fat so I need to get some muscle on me.  I do have one health concern that could be very bad but I'm choosing to not worry about it just yet as there isn't really anything they can do for it.  I have too many red blood cells.  We did two tests at different times of day and they were the same.  It's not good to have too many red blood cells because your blood gets thick and you can have a stroke or heart attack.  I have to get a mammogram but we don't have a machine here.  There is a traveling one that comes around every 4 months so I've got an appointment for the next time it's in town.  I am also getting checked for sleep apnea but I've been waiting almost 2 months for a call from the hospital to get the machine.  Right now our local hospital is in a bit of a mess due to some major renovations so thinks are pretty chaotic there.

I'm am slowly getting ready for Christmas.  I'm usually more on the ball and have most of my presents bought by now but our funds are so low this year we will be lucky to have any presents this Christmas.  We had to get new snow tires for our car because the daughter is driving it to school on a fairly bad road.  We want the best tires we can afford so that was almost $1000 for four new tires mounted on rims and put on the car.  We had to buy a new rim because one got bent when the daughter hit a rock on the road one night.  That all added to the cost and then the taxes which always shock me.  You hear the price and think to yourself that it's not that bad and then you get the total with taxes and wham!  Oh well we saved the money and it's gone now.

We are planning on selling some things to get a bit more cash but it won't be much.  Everything helps though.  I'm hoping to knit a couple of hats for the kids too.  It's going to be a slim Christmas this year but that's okay cause it's not about the gifts but the people right?

I'm feeling kind of down lately and can't really shake it.  The daughter is struggling still and it's so draining.  Nothing I say or do helps.  Yes I know just being there is helpful but it's not making a dent in her illness or helping her get better.  I want her to get better or at least become more functional.  My patience is thin and everything overwhelms me now.  I'd give my right arm to be able to take a holiday.  Of course poor people don't get to take holidays and I'm stuck here stagnating.

I want to pull the covers over my head and not have to deal with all this crap in my life.  Some days I dream of hiding or running away from it all.  I have an ongoing fantasy that I get in the car and drive away, far, far away.  And other days I have to force myself to get out of bed and pretend I'm a functional human being.  I want to be somewhere it's quiet and no one is there but me, just for a week or two.  I don't want to have to help anyone or do anything, just for a little bit.  I want to clear my head and fill myself back up with good feeling so I can come back and have patience and serenity.  I can't do that here.  There is too much noise and too many people in too small a space.

Today I will trudge along and do the best I can and hope for some brightness to come my way or a major lottery win, either would work.


Mama Pea said…
Congratulations on your weight loss! You may say you have more to go, but 20 pounds is A LOT. And good for you for exercising. That will make your pounds melt away all the faster. Good to see a post from you again!
Birdie said…
It is so damn hard to be constantly worrying about money. No wonder you want to run away. And having a child with a mental illness is exhausting when you have trouble yourself. I am on a new antidepressant and this is the first one that I know is actually working for me.

I am so proud of you for losing 20 pounds! Way to go!

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