Where is the Snow?

We've only had snow a few times this winter.  Now we pretty well have none and it's warm out there.  We are having rainy warm days and I want some snow.  In our long term forecast it's not even going to get below freezing all week.  Ya, I live in Canada people and we don't get much snow.  I don't live on the West coast either I live in the Southern Interior of British Columbia very close to the US border.

I'm trying to stay positive tonight but things are just taking a chunk out of me lately.  My second mom is not doing well and they have stopped chemo because it isn't helping anymore.  Her Dr figures she has about 3 months left.  Can you imagine losing your brother and then within a year and a half losing your mother too?  I can't either and every time I think about it I start crying.

Good news for this family is my friend's daughter is pregnant.  It was an accident and she didn't figure out she was pregnant until she was 22 weeks along.   She is due in March sometime.  I hope my second mom can hang on long enough to get to see and hold her great grand baby.  If that doesn't happen I hope this baby will be a bit of light in their lives when they are so in need of it.

Good news is my dad's cancer has not spread and so far he is cancer free.  The spot he had removed didn't spread but he will have to go back for testing to make sure it doesn't show up again.  We were all relieved to hear this news.

I'm not sure if I posted this already and I'm not going to go back and check but the daughter got all A's on her report card.  I am thrilled for her.  She works hard to get those marks and she deserves them. 

The asthmatic young cat has continued taking his pills and hasn't had any more breathing problems.  Hopefully this will continue because we really can't afford any more vet bills. 

The son is taking three classes in college and has to write three exams.  He wrote his computer science one today.  He said he studied, he said he felt he did okay.  Um, ya not so much.  I checked late tonight out of curiosity not really expecting to see a mark but there was one.  Guess what it is?  It's a big fat 33.4% for the class, or in simple terms an F, FAIL!  He has two more exams to write on Wed and I suspect he hasn't done any studying for them either.  He may pass them but I'm going to hazard a guess that his marks will be pitifully low if he passes at all.

This makes me sick.  All that money wasted on him and he didn't even try.  He said he wanted to go to college.  It was his choice.  He knew it was expensive and we would struggle to help pay for it.  And what makes it worse is he can't even retake these classes next semester because they aren't offered.  He won't be able to take much of anything because second semester is mostly classes that need a first semester prerequisite.   It's a small community college and they don't offer that many classes.  We struggled to pick the three that we picked.

So not only has he wasted our money but he's managed to make his grade point average so low he won't be able to get into any programs or universities unless he goes back to college and gets his grade point average up.  That means more money and we aren't paying for it.  He will either have to get a job and save for it or take out student loans.

After Christmas if he can't go to school full time then he's going to have to get a job.  This is stressing me out so much.  We have encouraged, helped, and tried to talk to this kid about what he wants to be doing.  We told him we don't care what he does as long as he does something.  He can't stay in his room all day playing video games or sleeping.  His Psychiatrist has said he doesn't have a mental illness just a bit of anxiety.  His counselor said he needs to use the tools she taught him to deal with his anxiety but you can't force him to do anything.

The husband and I will not be the parents who have a 40 year old lazy bum of a kid living in our house doing nothing.  That is not going to be us.  We will not allow this child to stay a child forever and take advantage of us.  He needs to take some steps to growing up or he's going to get tossed out on the street.  We have explained in calm logical terms what we expect from him and believe me it's nothing strict or extreme.  We told him he could go to school to learn whatever he wanted to whatever school he picked and we help make that happen.  The alternative is if he didn't want to go to school or wasn't ready that was fine too but he needed to get a job and save for school or pay us some rent, food and expenses.

He's almost 19 years old and still won't learn to drive.  All his friends have licenses and some of them even own cars that they have saved up and bought.  Most of his friends went to Universities and a few stayed here and got jobs.  He has friends who call him and he goes out with once in awhile but not very often.  He pretty much stays in his room and I am at a total loss of how to deal with him.  A Psychiatrist and a counselor didn't make a difference in the way he is.  We've tried everything we can think of.

If someone would have told me that I'd be dealing with this kind of kid I would have never had kids.  I don't know where to turn or how to support him.  We can't just let him do nothing and lay around all day and believe me we've even done just that.  He spent every summer doing nothing even when we gently encouraged him to get a job or suggested he volunteer or take some interesting classes.  He just sat in his room and played video games.

If I could send him to military school I would.  He needs a swift smack in the head and to grow up.  All I want is to see him making some strides to grow up and become a self supporting person.  I want to see him doing things with his life not sitting in his room 24 hours a day.  Not only is that not good for his mental health it's horrible for his body.  He's pretty soon going to become a huge sick young person because he rarely goes outside and rarely gets any exercise.

But when you try to tell these mental health professionals your concerns about his behavior they act as if there is something wrong with you and you should be happy he's not doing drugs or drinking or doing anything else illegal.  I am not happy, I am not happy at all.  No person in their right mind would be happy to see see their child throwing their lives away doing nothing.  I wish we could have convinced him to go away to college.  I think even if he didn't do well at school just living away from home would have been good for him.  Sometimes being at home is too comfortable and easy.

When we try to talk to him about these things he stops talking and closes his eyes and sits there.  It's bizarre behavior.  We don't yell at him or get upset but if you try to talk to him about something he doesn't want to talk about he won't talk.  I don't want to do the tough love road but he is really not giving us a choice.  What would you do if your son or daughter failed at college, wouldn't come out of their room and won't get a job?  Would you continue supporting them and hope they grow up sometime or would you tell them they have so many months to find a job and if they don't have one by that time their bags will be packed and they can move out?  Are there other alternatives?

I know some of you will think that we can just talk to him and with calm love he will come around but that really hasn't worked for us in the past.  This kid pretty much lied to the Psychiatrist and counselor about what was going on in his life.  He made them think his behavior is perfectly fine and we are the nut jobs.  The thing that I find weird is they didn't see through him at all.  They believed him!  They thought we were too critical of him.  Um no, that's not what the problem is.  The problem is he won't come out of his room or grow up!  He wouldn't have graduated from high school if we hadn't stepped in and made him finish his assignments.  College is his domain to pass or fail and if he had asked for help studying or working on assignments we would gladly help him but he doesn't.  We offer and he declines.

I have searched endlessly for help.  I have tried not to worry or be upset about him but even if I say I'm not going to worry or be upset I really am.  He doesn't seem to care about his own future or life.  I'm not sure what he thinks he should be doing if anything.  We have asked him what he would like to be doing and he says he doesn't know.  That's fine we say but what would you like to at least try then.  He says he doesn't know.  We make suggestions and he says no to them all. 

I had such high hopes that he would do okay in college.  He went to class every day without any problem.  He said he was doing fine.  We asked what his marks were and he said he didn't know.  That's the point my "bullcrap" sensor started to twitch but we let it slide because we can't force him to do his work. He will just have to fail and the consequences will be his.  I had hoped if just a small spark could be ignited in him he would find his path and start working towards doing something.  Unless he manages to get an A in his other two classes I have to see this college thing for him as a fail.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink even if he is your son. 

Comments

We got a big dump of snow about 10 days ago but now it's going to be above zero for the next few days so I'm sure it's all going to melt again. ABOVE ZERO. In Alberta. In winter. WTF is going on?
ditchingthedog said…
OH. My. Fucking. God.

We are living the SAME life. My son. Almost 19. Doesn't want to work. Sits in his room all day, playing video games or sleeping. Has been to a counselor. She thinks we are too hard on him. We are at the point of kicking him out. He has a job but only works 15 hours a week. He thinks this is enough. He doesn't drive and has no desire to get his license. He also has friends who call him and he goes out once in a while but not often. we have begged and pleaded and yelled. He just doesn't get it. He is starting to put on weight from his inactive lifestyle. It is almost 11:00 and he is still sleeping. There is no point in waking him up because he will just go back to sleep. I can't sit and watch him all day. We are telling him he needs to leave when he turns 19 unless he is working a minimum of 35 hours a week.

In the rest of my (our) world, my daughter made the honour roll and my dad has cancer. Our weather is rainy warm days. (I don't want snow!)

Sorry to hear about your second mom. Fucking cancer. Does it ever let up?

Our cat does not have asthma.
Sparkless said…
Debra, the weather is so unpredictable now. I'm blaming global warming.

Birdie, I said that before, that we are living very similar lives. If you find anything that motivates you son please let me know so I can try it too. I hope your dad's cancer goes into remission. Where you live you don't get much snow do you? We used to always have snow at Christmas now it's hit and miss and usually not much snow at all for the winter.
ditchingthedog said…
No, on the island here we get very little. We may get a few days but then it rains and it turns into a mess.

My son. *sigh* He is a good kid. He has a gentle heart and the world overwhelms him. I understand this but that excuse (and a vaild one sometimes) doesn't put food on the table. Can you imagine our grandparents saying that? "I have anxiety". No, they got their asses out and worked 12 hour days, 6 days a week, then came home and worked some more.
Penny said…
I have a nephew who refuses to take responsibility for himself. He is 24. Here is my opinion. First take any video games and sell them. You bought them and you need the money. Then if he has a tv, sell that. Tell him to get a job by a certain time or he's out. Take him to the homeless shelter so he knows where it's at when he's out on his can. Don't back down. My nephew is also very kind hearted. His father has done everything imaginable to help him. It's time for him to help himself. Obviously the supportive approach isn't working. Don't wring your hands and worry. He's a healthy boy. He can take care of himself.
Sparkless said…
Birdie I live in Victoria for 5 years while I got my degree from UVic. Loved the island, hated how expensive it was to live there.

Penny, that is great advise and we do plan on using it. We know if things don't change we will have to kick him out. I'm really hoping I can get him to go away somewhere to take some classes. I think he'd grow up a lot if he had to take care of himself. I get anxious too but I don't let that stop me. Now kids use every excuse so they don't have to do anything that they don't want to or is difficult. Going to school takes lots of work and determination, getting a job and keeping it takes the same. We won't be doing him any favors doing everything for him.

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