It Creeps Up on You Sometimes

I've been feeling my age and it always surprises me when I think about it.  When I see other people and find out they are the same age as me or only a few years older and I think "that can't be true, she looks so much older than I do."  Then I look in the mirror and think "right, I am that old too."

The daughter is turning 15 this Sunday.  I had her when I was 34 and some days I feel more like I should be her grandmother than her mother.  Nothing is the same as when I was her age and when I say nothing I mean literally nothing!  I wish I could go back in time and have my kids 5-10 years earlier than I did.  I had so much more energy and zing then.  We rarely go anywhere or do anything anymore and even when we do have a bit of money we still stay home.  It gets to be a bit of a habit even when you should go out cause it would do you some good.

Issues with the kids have me feeling down lately.  The weather has turned sunny and cold so it's very pretty outside but kind of icy.  We are having family over Sunday for cake and coffee so tomorrow we have to spend the day cleaning and moving stuff around just so we can all sit in our very small living room.  Right now we have a two person couch and a beat up computer chair so we don't even have enough seats for the four people who live here let alone add anymore.  We'll sit on the cube foot stools and bring chairs in from the kitchen.  No one stays long because it's too uncomfortable.  We go through all that effort to have people over and they stay for under an hour.  Then we have to put everything back.  Just thinking about it makes me sad. 

I just hope the daughter has a wonderful birthday and loves her piano.  She didn't want to invite her friends over or have any kind of a party.  Most of her friends still do some kind of party or at least invite friends over on their birthdays for cake.  My daughter doesn't because she won't invite anyone here.  I don't blame her.   I've tried to tell her that her friends don't care what her house is like but she won't listen.  It's hard to have winter birthdays when you live in a house the size of a shoebox.

It's late and I should at least attempt to sleep even if I'll just lay there staring at the ceiling listening to the husband snore.  Some days are just so much harder than others to get through and the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that it usually gets better.


Erin said…
That's one good thing that comes from deployment around here, we all fit in the house! We too only have a love seat (apartment size sofa it's called LOL) and a chair so when hubs is gone we can all sit and watch a movie together haha. I had kids late too and I know what you mean - on one hand I was smarter and more ready to be a parent but at the same time I remember my mom who had me when she was 20 had oodles of energy to do anything with all 3 of us.
Mama Pea said…
Yep, you know it does get better when these occasional down moods grab hold of us. We just have to sometimes patiently (!) wait until they pass.

Before we got the living room/kitchen made into just a kitchen and the added on middle room finished to be a living room, it was really hard to have anyone over. I remember one time vividly (and still cringe) when I had four lady friends over for a little handwork session. It was in the winter so, of course, the wood stove was going. The gal who got the seat nearest the stove got so hot she just about passed out!

Happy, happy birthday to your daughter. Glad to hear she loved her present!
Sparkless said…
Erin just wait till those two boys are teens and then try to fit them in your house with a few of their friends! I was ready to be a parent earlier but had to wait for the husband to be ready too.

Mama Pea my ears are ringing with piano music. It may be time for the headphones to come out.
Still feeling down and hoping it passes soon.

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