Missing You

It's almost Father's Day and I only have one gift and that's for my dad.  The kids and I haven't got to the mall to buy the husband a gift yet nor has the husband bothered to buy his dad a gift.  So tomorrow the kids and I will go on a quest to get the perfect Father's Day gift that doesn't cost much money.

The husband did something so stupid that I'm in shock over it plus it cost us $200.  No need of details just know it was his own stupidity that cost us that money that we don't really have.  He took it out of our renovation money.  He's been slowly drawing money out of that account because he hasn't been working enough to pay the bills.  If I have to spend another summer upstairs in a room with a sheet for a wall and my pillow only 10 feet from a stinky cat box I'm going to strangle him in his sleep (not really).  Maybe I'll just use a permanent pen and draw things on his face instead.  I can't be arrested for that!  HA!

Tonight the board that I'm on had their AGM.  We had thought that we would only have 5 people on the board but it looks like one person who was resigning didn't and three more jumped on the board.  Now we are stuck with 9 people.  This could be a very good thing or a very bad thing depending on these people.  The stupid head coach thinks he's packed the board with people who will back his every whim but he's got another thing coming because we are not going to be pushed around by him any more.  We will have meetings that he is not invited to because if they are about finances he has no business being at them anyway.  He's an employee.  Let him stew over that.

And as I sat outside tonight and watched the stars and moon set I realized how much I missed feeling joyful.  I miss the feeling of enthusiasm that I used to feel when I woke up in the morning.  I miss the excitement I used to feel knowing I could do anything and how exciting all those choices are.  Now I just dread getting up because I know what my day will entail, drudgery.  Household chores, poverty, shame and depression.  Yup, that's pretty much my life.  We are poor and if anyone tells you it doesn't matter they are sadly mistaken.  People treat you differently if you are poor.  And add to that being overweight and old, well I've become invisible.

That's what I've become, invisible.  I'm not sure when it happened exactly but it was sometime while I was raising my family.  Some time in there I became someone that no one really wants to get to know.  Weird because I haven't changed at all inside.  I look in the mirror and don't see anything that would repel people or make them look away.  I just see me.

So tonight as I watched the stars I was missing the joy that the old me felt.  I'd give just about anything to get that back.

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